Why is my child behaving like this? A parent's guide to reading behaviour

When your child does something that seems to make no sense, there is usually more going on than you can see. The behaviour may not be about the thing that appears to have triggered it.

Many parents describe the same experience. The reaction seems to come from nowhere, feels far bigger than the situation, and asking "Why did you do that?" leads either to silence or an explanation that does not quite add up.

That does not necessarily mean your child is avoiding the question. They may not understand what happened themselves, or may not yet have the words to explain it. If they could clearly tell you what was wrong, they often would.

What may be contributing

There is rarely one simple explanation. More often, several things are affecting a child at the same time.

NICE guidance on autistic children and young people advises professionals to consider what may be contributing to the behaviour, rather than looking at the behaviour in isolation ^[1]. The same questions can be useful for parents at home:

• Is your child finding it hard to understand what is happening or explain what they need?
• Could they be in pain, unwell or physically uncomfortable?
• Is another condition, such as ADHD, adding to the difficulty?
• Is the environment too noisy, bright, busy or crowded?
• Is something happening socially that they are struggling with?
• Has there been a change in routine or at home?
• Could growing up or puberty be playing a part?

The National Autistic Society describes a similar range of factors and also highlights unstructured time and transitions between activities ^[2]. Although this guidance is written with autistic children in mind, these are sensible things for any parent to consider.

Communication is often part of the picture. When a child cannot describe what is wrong, the difficulty does not go away, and it may come out in other ways. The National Autistic Society describes distress that builds into anxiety, frustration and anger, and then arrives as behaviour rather than as an explanation ^[2]. This is not only about children who have little or no speech. A child can talk easily about a subject they know well and still have no words for what happens when a room becomes too noisy. Behaviour can also become a way of getting a need met if a child learns that a particular reaction brings the response they are looking for ^[3].

Some behaviour appears when a child is asked for something they cannot yet do. Waiting, moving from one task to another, coping when a plan changes and being wrong in front of other people are all skills, and they arrive at different ages in different children. Repeating an instruction more firmly does not supply a skill that is missing.

Pain, illness, tiredness and hunger can all show as a change in behaviour, and the cause is often hidden ^[3]. It is worth checking this early whenever behaviour changes without an obvious reason, particularly if your child finds it hard to say how they feel ^[3]. Constipation, an ear infection or needing the toilet are easy to miss and quick to rule out.

The surroundings matter too. Corridor noise, strip lighting, the smell of a dining hall, break time with nothing organised in it, or the last part of a long day can each ask more of a child than they have to give.

NICE guidance on ADHD takes a similar approach. It expects an assessment to cover a child's wider circumstances, including their social, family and educational situation and their physical health. For children aged 5 and over, it expects changes such as seating, lighting, noise and classroom support to be tried and reviewed before medication is offered, with medication considered only if difficulties are still causing significant impairment in at least one area of life ^[4].

Sometimes a child is looking for attention because they want comfort, reassurance or time with their parent. A child who has held themselves together all day may cope until they are through the front door and not cope at all in front of the person they feel safest with. Deliberately withdrawing attention may add to the distress, particularly when a child is seeking reassurance or closeness.

Not every behaviour has a hidden reason. NICE sets out a range of factors that may be contributing rather than pointing to a single cause ^[1], and several are often involved at once. Some days a child is tired and irritable and there is not a great deal more to it.

Is your child doing it on purpose?

Sometimes, in the sense that any child may want something badly and push hard to get it. It may help to consider whether your child was able to respond differently at that moment.

A child who could do something and is refusing is in a different position from one who cannot do it at all. A skill that is still developing may appear on some days and not others. And there are things a child manages perfectly well on a good day but cannot manage when they are tired, hungry, anxious or overwhelmed. Skills that depend on energy and self-control are the ones most likely to disappear, and their absence can easily read as defiance. Your child may have the skill and still not have enough left to use it that afternoon.

Most of the time, a child is not calmly choosing between behaving well and behaving badly. They are trying to manage what is happening with the skills, energy and self-control they have available at that moment. On a difficult day, there may not be much left. What a child can manage often changes from day to day, and it may change most in children who are working hard to appear settled while they are out of the house.

Why it may be harder at home

School may describe a child who seems to be coping, while at home you see something quite different. The difference often reflects how much effort it takes your child to get through the school day: managing noise, instructions, transitions, other children and the expectation to behave in a particular way. By the time your child gets home, there may be very little patience or energy left.

Home is usually where a child feels safest, so it is often where whatever they have been holding in finally comes out. The period immediately after school can be particularly difficult, and even ordinary requests may feel like too much.

Masking takes work, and because the point of it is to hide difficulty, teachers may not realise how hard a child is working to appear settled. That can leave parents feeling their account of what happens at home is being doubted.

Finding the pattern

The reaction is often the most noticeable part of an incident, but the few minutes before it may tell you more.

Keeping a short record for two or three weeks may be enough for a pattern to begin to emerge. It does not need to be detailed. A couple of lines a few times a week will do, and longer diaries tend to get abandoned. For each incident, it helps to note:

• what was happening in the ten minutes beforehand
• what your child was being asked to do, and who was asking
• the surroundings, including noise, lighting, other people and the time of day
• whether they were hungry, tired, unwell or needed the toilet
• what happened as a result, including whether it helped them avoid or escape something
• anything unusual or different that week

Something that seemed unpredictable may turn out to happen mostly on particular days, or in the hour after school, or whenever a plan changes without warning. Record the days that go well too. Knowing what helps is as useful as knowing what makes things harder, and it gives school something practical to build on.

Avoid trying to investigate what happened in the middle of an incident. Questions asked when a child is overwhelmed are unlikely to produce a clear or reliable account. Try not to make your child feel they are being constantly observed or analysed, either. Children often notice when adults are watching closely, and this can affect how they behave.

What may help

Much of what helps at home happens before the difficult moment arrives. Once you know that it tends to come shortly after school, or whenever a plan changes without warning, you can change what leads up to it. That might mean food before questions, a warning ahead of each transition, one instruction at a time rather than three, and the demanding jobs moved away from the end of the day.

It can change what you say as well. If you describe what you noticed without attaching a judgement to it, your child is more likely to hear someone trying to understand them:

You went quiet when I said we were going into town. Is there a particular bit you're worried about?

At school, the same description can turn a behaviour problem into something staff are able to act on. A report that your child is refusing to line up leaves a teacher with a discipline question. An account of when it happens, what that corridor is like at that time of day, and what has helped before, gives them something to try. NICE takes the same approach. It expects a plan of this kind to be developed with you and your child, and aimed at the factors that were actually identified ^[1].

Understanding why something happened does not mean that there should be no boundaries or consequences. Clear and predictable limits still matter, and you can hold one while saying what you have noticed:

I'm not going to let you hit your sister. I can see that today has been too much for you.

If someone is at risk of being hurt, deal with the immediate danger first. You can consider what led to it once everyone is safe.

This article does not cover meltdowns, where distress builds until a child loses control. If that is closer to what you are seeing, the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum is a better place to start. If it tends to happen at the same time each weekday, why after-school meltdowns happen looks at that pattern. The Behaviour Decoder can help you record one incident and organise the information to take into a school or professional meeting.

When to seek advice

It is sensible to speak to your GP if your child's behaviour changes without an obvious explanation, particularly if they find it difficult to describe how they are feeling. Pain and illness can show through changes in behaviour and are worth ruling out early ^[3].

It is also worth asking for advice if the distress continues for several weeks without improving, if your child loses skills or confidence they previously had, or if they begin avoiding activities and places they used to manage.

If you are worried and would like to talk it through, the YoungMinds Parents Helpline is free and confidential on 0808 802 5544, with online chat and email support as well ^[5]. Schools can sometimes make referrals to services that parents cannot approach directly, so the SENCo may also be able to help.

This is general information and cannot tell you what is happening for your particular child. If you are worried about your child's immediate safety, or they talk about not wanting to be alive or about harming themselves, contact your GP urgently or call NHS 111. Call 999 or go to A&E if anyone is in immediate danger.