Is my child refusing, or unable to do what I have asked?

The short answer

Do not try to infer ability from the force of the no. First make the task observable: what action, in what order, with what endpoint? Then check whether your child understood it, can interrupt what they are doing, knows the first step, can hold the sequence, can tolerate the sensory and emotional conditions and has enough capacity now. Offer one small piece of support without changing the necessary outcome. If the child can proceed, you have found part of the access need. If they still cannot, stop adding prompts and investigate the next barrier. A child can also understand, have capacity and disagree. Treat that as disagreement rather than disability, hear the reason and state what remains fixed. The useful question is not whether the child is generally capable. It is which part of this task is available under these conditions, and what response fits the point where access breaks.

• Make the requested action and its endpoint observable before judging the response.
• Check understanding, starting, sequencing, tolerance and present capacity separately.
• Test one useful support rather than testing the child's sincerity with more pressure.
• Treat disagreement as information even when a necessary boundary remains.
• Compare conditions and aftermath, not just whether the task was eventually completed.